It has been too long since I have sat down and written what is on my mind, what causes me to loose sleep. I know I am blessed with having a loving family, reasonable financial security and good health. Instead of focussing on these positives, my mind whirls and jitters from issue to issue briefly exploring, activating the thread and then moving on before it has settled. I liken how I think of late to an approaching electrical storm, you can see it lighting up the leaden clouds as it approaches. Striking randomly, issuing booming proclamations and then rolling over you in a charged waves, leaving you wandering about it all, fleeting images dancing from all the strikes, wishing you had captured it somehow.
That is how I am, I explore the issues with Child Support Agency and the matriarchal bias that the system has, where all men are scoundrels and must have every cent extracted for the "good of the children", to finding a a Job that is worthy of me and I of it. In between all that, is constant worry for my Family members and the challenges each of them face, salted with a rising bleakness of 'what if I am just not good enough and would all of them be better off without me around".
The bitter bleakness is something I stare into each day, a land where the earth is cracked and barren, colour leached deep into a darkness that sucks the sun from the sky. No joy there and a place where I stare and sometimes walk leaving crumbling footprints behind, carrying the residue back into my normal life tainting the the joys I have. I make a point to wipe my feet of course and try not to leave dirty marks where ever I tread but it is hard to not do so, the bleakness clings.
When I say "better off without me", I am not talking Suicide as I have already explored that option and found several times I just couldn't leave and punish those left behind. Rather I refer to just leaving, vanishing and becoming a another person, shedding all the chains of obligations and ribbons of joy to just be someone else, to be still. I ache to be still, to quieten the storm, to shake off the bleakness and just not be.
Of course the chains that hold me, prevent me from running away, as do the ribbons that bind me. The ribbons give me hope, they wrap me up and ease the spots where my chains rub, knowing my wife understands and believes in me, gives me great comfort. I lean of her strength so that I can keep turning my back from the bleakness. She is my rock and I cling to it, as are my children and friends who give me love whilst wrapping me in chains. I wear the chains because of my love for them and their love for me.
Yes I wander but I am a storm rolling over a bleak land.
That is how I am, I explore the issues with Child Support Agency and the matriarchal bias that the system has, where all men are scoundrels and must have every cent extracted for the "good of the children", to finding a a Job that is worthy of me and I of it. In between all that, is constant worry for my Family members and the challenges each of them face, salted with a rising bleakness of 'what if I am just not good enough and would all of them be better off without me around".
The bitter bleakness is something I stare into each day, a land where the earth is cracked and barren, colour leached deep into a darkness that sucks the sun from the sky. No joy there and a place where I stare and sometimes walk leaving crumbling footprints behind, carrying the residue back into my normal life tainting the the joys I have. I make a point to wipe my feet of course and try not to leave dirty marks where ever I tread but it is hard to not do so, the bleakness clings.
When I say "better off without me", I am not talking Suicide as I have already explored that option and found several times I just couldn't leave and punish those left behind. Rather I refer to just leaving, vanishing and becoming a another person, shedding all the chains of obligations and ribbons of joy to just be someone else, to be still. I ache to be still, to quieten the storm, to shake off the bleakness and just not be.
Of course the chains that hold me, prevent me from running away, as do the ribbons that bind me. The ribbons give me hope, they wrap me up and ease the spots where my chains rub, knowing my wife understands and believes in me, gives me great comfort. I lean of her strength so that I can keep turning my back from the bleakness. She is my rock and I cling to it, as are my children and friends who give me love whilst wrapping me in chains. I wear the chains because of my love for them and their love for me.
Yes I wander but I am a storm rolling over a bleak land.
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